I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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