Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
