just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
