Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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