Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My balls are so social today.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
