someone threw a dead crab at me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
