I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
