the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
