apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
