I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
