Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just wanna soil my oats bro
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
