Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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