You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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