the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
