At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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