so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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