I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
