Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
