My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
