I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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