K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
