drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
