I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
