Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
