I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
