nut hugger
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
