Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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