i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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