bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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