I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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