I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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