i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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