Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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