I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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