The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
