You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
