Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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