Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
