his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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