My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
