Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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