If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
