I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
