I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
