i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
