i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
