wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
