dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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