Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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