I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
