you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
