Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
