Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
